Laughter's the best Medicine

Doctors Contribution

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do?

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopaedists issued a joint resolution.
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The paediatricians said, "grow up."
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
 

Mechanic and laparoscopic surgeon

What differences will you get when a car is being repaired by a mechanic and laparoscopy surgeon??

The mechanic dismantles the whole car and gets money, but the laparoscopic surgeon repair it without dismantling the car, can you get this clue? The laparoscopic surgeon repairs the car through the silencer (smoke exit) itself !!

News Paper Misprints

From an article on stomach trouble :-
'Doctors are beginning to accept that stomach ulcers are infectious. They are caused by a bug called Helicopter'.

From More! :-
'Your chance of catching an STD during your period is greater, because the blood changes the PhD level in the vagina'.

From the Daily Mail :-
'Choking patients can now be incubated to maintain their airwaves!'

The Sunday Times explanation for the extinction of the dinosaurs :-
'The extinction may well have occurred when a steroid hit the Earth'.

Another Newspaper Misprint :-
'The Welsh international had to withdraw when the cut turned sceptic'.

From a Sunday Newspaper :-
'The surgeon said he'd removed my momentum - the funny apron of fat that covers the intestines'.

The Workshop Bugle recently carried a news report about a chap who'd happily
'recovered from a tuna of the kidney'.

Medical Misquotes

From a Health Education Authority leaflet on Sexually Transmitted Diseases :-
"We don't know why, but it seems that men don't get bacterial vaginosis."

An apology that appeared recently in The Safety And Health Practitioner :-
SORRY. We would like to apologise to readers for the late arrival of our March issue, which was entitled 'Flammable Materials : Controlling the Hazard!' The delay was caused by a fire at the printers.

Advert in the BMJ :-
FOR SALE : Real bone half-skeleton, in better condition than seller. £250.

Seen in the BBC canteen in Manchester :-
In the interests of hygiene, please use tongues when picking up your baked potatoes.

More News Paper Misprints

An excerpt from Pulse :-
'If we are over-diagnosing asthma, then we must be under-diagnosing the other causes of nocturnal cough, such as post-natal drip'.

From a national newspaper :-
'Cutting down on fats reduces the risk of heart disease. Try to choose unsaturated fats, which are found in red meat, milk, cheese, coconut oil, palm oil and butter ...'

From the Daily Mail :-
'A transplant surgeon has called for a ban on "kidneys-for-ale" operations'.

From a Local Paper :-
'On the Sunday before Christmas, there will be a pot-luck supper in the church hall, followed by prayers and medication'.

From the South Wales Evening Post :-
'Cash plea to aid dyslexic children'.

An interesting health tip from Q magazine :-
'In America you can buy melatonin as a vitamin supplement. It is a hormone that your penile gland secretes when it gets dark'.

First Years

General:
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

Respiration:
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire"
"Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration."

Cardiovascular:
"The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars."

Gastrointestinal:
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama."

Dentistry:
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

Orthopedics:
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on."

Reproductive medicine:
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"To prevent contraception, wear a condominium."
"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

Haematology:
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

Eyes and nose:
"To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose."
"For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

First aid:
"For fainting: rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor."
"For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

Conversations Overheard